Dear Child I Will Never Have,

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

 

I have loved you for years.  And yet I don’t know if you would have been a boy or a girl.  I wouldn’t have cared.  I just wanted you.  

I didn’t want you, until I met the man of my dreams.  The man that helped me heal.  He is a good man.  Works very hard, treats me like I have always wanted to be treated.  Then I started to need you.  I cried every month you didn’t come.  I mourned your loss even though you were never alive.  I was saddened that this wonderful man would never know fatherhood.

I still wish to meet you, but I know its best we never got to be together.  There is darkness inside me.  It’s always there, on the fringes, waiting to strike.  I don’t want to pass this onto someone who was born with so much light.  I want what every mother wants.  For her peanut to always be pure and full of joy.

There were so many things I wanted to teach you.  Books I wanted to read to you and adventures to have with you.  I wanted to show you the world and all the magic that it holds. 

I wanted to pick a magical name for you.  Something that would make people look up and take notice and say to themselves.  That young person is special.  They will be good and great.

I wanted your dreams to become mine.  I wanted you to change the world.  I wanted to be your world. 

I never wanted you to know pain, poverty, sadness or hunger.  I wanted you to be forever healthy and wise.

I write to you because I am proud of you would have been.  And I know you would have been proud of me too.  I forgive my body for not being able to have you.  I forgive fate for being cruel, but see the wisdom of not being able to hold you. 

I started writing you this letter with tears in my heart.  But I finish with a smile on my face.  I know.  Deep down.  I will see you.  And that makes me happy.  It may not be in this life.  Or even the next.  But it will happen.

Love the mother you never had.